My Recovery Story

I never thought alcohol addiction would impact me or my family. I grew up in an alcoholic home where drinking and drugs were common.  It wasn’t something I ever wanted for my own family, so I only drank casually and infrequently.

As a child I often felt unloved and rejected. At age seven I witnessed my mother hospitalized for her own mental health struggles and for an attempted suicide.  I remember thinking she was weak and vowed that I’d be strong. I learned to depend on no one, except myself, because people will hurt you and let you down. Growing up where money was often tight, I believed money brought happiness.

By age 35 I had achieved so much. I had three college degrees, a career I loved, lived in a dream house, had a beautiful family, financial security; but no happiness. What had I missed? 

In short, I had developed toxic mindsets that were fueling how I was “showing up in life.” I was a perfectionist, I struggled to control the people and circumstances of my life, and I had become depressed and anxious.  A serious panic attack mimicking a heart attack landed me in the hospital at age 40.  After a flurry of tests that revealed nothing wrong with my heart, I left the hospital with a generalized anxiety and depression diagnosis and a prescription for meds. 

One night while sharing my struggles with a friend over a few glasses of wine, I realized I felt lighter and more at peace than I had in a long time.  The alcohol numbed my mental and physical pain.  I started to have a glass of wine after work and before long it was a pattern.  

My mental health wasn’t improving, and when I followed up with my doctor, he increased my medication. He didn’t know I was drinking with the medication, and unfortunately, the combination made me suicidal.

On October 4, 2009, I tried to commit suicide and also received a DWI.  The DWI made the news and I was catapulted into the middle of a media frenzy.  As an educator, I was held to a higher standard.  My life was now open to public scrutiny.  The fear that I might lose my job because of my addiction became very real.

Recovery should be named “discovery” because it led me down a path that identified the whys behind my addition.  Predominantly I was struggling with perfectionism, a need to control, abandonment and rejection trauma.  I was left in a pile of pain void of ways to help me process or resolve it.  Doctors told me I had damaged my brain with an Alcohol Use Disorder, which was hereditary, and I’d likely need medication long term to manage the disease of depression. Without alcohol to numb the pain I understood why relapse was so common.

If you’ve read this far you’re likely connecting our stories in many ways.

But God!

I grew up knowing God, and recommitted my life to Him when everything imploded. I knew that His plans for me were to give me a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11). My God had better plans for me and the doctors were not correct.

I started searching for answers. One day in a Barnes and Noble book store, I came across Dr. Caroline Leaf’s work and felt like I’d struck GOLD. For the first time in a very long time I truly felt hope for my future.

The rest has become Day 1 of Sobriety, which was formed to help others find sustainable freedom from addiction by helping them uncover underlying toxic mindsets and patterns of thinking.